Entries tagged with “Earth 616”.

Bully fills us in on the entire history of the Marvel comics universe.

Eventually he contracted ninjavitus. It was all downhill from there.
The Internet is a giant slush pile, and I’m the unpaid intern wading through it. Here’s a bit of pretty dredged from the dreck.

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Frigid assures me that you’ve all been good little henchmen while I’ve been stranded on the far side of the universe, and frankly, that terrifies me.

To calm my nerves, I’ll fill you in on what I’ve been up to since my abduction by aliens.  Did I mention that it was Green Needle’s fault? The Asyms abducted her first. According to Shine, the Asyms are always born as not-twins, so they assume all other species must also come as a mismatched set. When they are asked Green Needle to identify her other half, she chose me. I said she should have chosen Rage Carnage, instead. She responded that she wanted someone who would help her back to Earth, not someone that would blow up the entire space ship. I told her that we would just have to see about that.  

Physically, the Asyms are notable for their variety of body shapes. They display very little in the way of symmetry, with mismatched limbs and organs stuck randomly along their body. Despite their mishmash of fish/mammal/reptile/insect/bird/tree/amoeba/non-Euclidean-monster-parts, they manage to move with a lethal grace. Apparently, their species has a staggering rate of mutations, fueled in part by their reproductive cycle. Shine claims that after the “egg” and “sperm” of a mated not-twin pair mix, the fertilized result scrambles the available genetic material and then splits into a new pair of not-twins. This happens by the trillions when they mate. Most combinations die immediately, and not-twins that lose their other half are quickly swarmed under by the complete not-twin pairs, resulting in a new horde of asymmetrical abominations every generation. Apparently, only their lifelong link to their not-twin and their reproductive cycle is the only things that breed true. Considering how many superpowers are the side effects of mutations on our planet, you can imagine the range of abilities they have as a species. It doesn’t seem particularly efficient way to go about it to me, but it’s a weird universe.

Impressed by the diversity they saw while observing Earth, they decided to take an extra sample of the local fauna besides Green Needle and myself. I’ve mention that Fusion Man was along for this trip in my last memo, which means that yes, the Shine I keep mentioning in this one is Shine Jackson: Action Blogger. Shine isn’t really a proper superhero, falling more into the Jimmy Olsen (Earth 1) or Rick Jones (Earth 616) spectrum of sidekick: no natural power set of his own, he still manages hang in with the heaviest of superhero adventures. Shine has had superpowers now and then, but nothing that stays with him all the time. Of course, his best friend is Fusion Man, who you can imagine was just delighted to see me as a fellow abductee. Actually, he assumed I was in league with the aliens, which isn’t surprising considering Technefarious had him imprisoned ourselves a few months ago. Shine and Green Needle managed to convince him otherwise, but it was kind of dicey there for a few minutes.

The Asyms watched our less-than-friendly scuffle without interfering, which is typical for them. Apparently, they spend their time trying to discover the ultimate evolution, a state they seem to think comes about by one organism destroying another. I’ve actually killed two not-twin pairs on this trip so far. They have the technology to corral us without making themselves vulnerable, but they’ll still expose themselves to us to see how we’ll react. Not being a superhero, I usually react by trying to whittle their numbers down. They’re tough enough but won’t normally come to the aid of someone who isn’t their not-twin. If I want to fight a pair, the Asym will let me, just to see if I will die. I don’t, and then they use their force fields to force back to whatever holding area they had us in that day.

My murders on this trip haven’t been limited to the Asyms. We’re not the only sample they’ve taken from the universe, and like kids putting insects in a glass jar, they’ll dump us together to see how we’ll react to the other aliens in the menagerie. That is how I got hurt last week. Bored by the fact that we four humans weren’t fighting among ourselves anymore, they added these two toxic radioactive piles of sludge. The goo took an immediate dislike to us, leaping to devour Shine as he recorded his impressions of our new roommates. Fusion Man, of course, leapt to his aid, but the sludges hit him with some sort of radiation burst that disoriented him (science department, please take note). My powers tipped me off that letting the piles devour Fusion would cause an unpleasant reaction to the local area, so I had to leap in, earning myself two goo-dissolved nubs of what use to be my hands, followed up by a mouth full of goo when I screamed. If Fusion Man hadn’t been still functioning well enough to fly me away from the fight, I would have been even more miserable than I was while my body parts regrew. While that was going on, Green Needle had been methodically cycling through her arsenal of poisoned needles in her gun, finally happening upon a combination that the sludge didn’t like.

The Asyms left us alone while Fusion Man and I recovered from the fight, but they’ve started mixing us with new roommates again. That’s a good thing. We four humans have been working on a plan.

Have a good week everyone. I’ll be home soon.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man