From the Desk of the Dictator:
Welcome back from your weekend, everyone.
Elite, print this out for the ancient bastard so he can read it. CRANKPOT, YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF TECHNEFARIOUS. I killed my immediate predecessor to get the job. I’ve killed plenty of uppity henchmen to keep it. If you don’t believe me, let me remind you of the conversation we had to get you submit to testing. I haven’t lost any upper body strength in the past week, so I can dangle you out a window again if I need to.
Speaking of Dr. Crankpot, founder of Technefarious and pain in my ass, we’re still not sure why he is alive. I set Crankpot up with a lab and made Elite his assistant, but I also insisted he submit to every poke, prod, and pie-eating contest that the science and occult departments could think to put him through. Our current Crankpot is not a robot or a clone or a homunculus or an evil twin from another dimension or a good triplet from an alternate timeline. There are holes in his memory when compared to the historical record, especially concerning the final days of his life. Aside from that last bit, the memory distortion is perfectly normal for a human. The missing memories from those final days suggest that he may be time-jumped from shortly before he died. They also suggest that his body may have been resurrected or rebuilt from when he apparently died, and the damage from coming back cost him some memories. It is possible that that this is his original body, since his death was one of those lost in an explosion deals. We’re still working on it, but it looks like he might be himself, rather than some sort of trap by the Establishment.
Also missing from Crankpot’s memory is why he was in prison. No one of has any doubt that he deserved to be there. The question is what mix of courts and bureaucracy ended up with putting him in Bleach’s cell. The computer department is still trying to trace that information.
Until we have that history, Elite Triad will just have to keep Crankpot under control, or we may find out how well he bounces after a long fall from a window.
With everything that’s been going on, it’s been a while since I mentioned our ongoing war of nonsense packages with the Golden Web. The last thing they sent us was a box full of pirated superhero action figures from China. In retaliation for their shipment of excess lead and trademark infringements, I’m sending them half of a prop rifle from the Pilot Sunrise movies. It’s actual movie memorabilia, but only half of it survived an energetic encounter I had with Razor Lady. If my paramour Green Needle happens to be reading this, let me assure you that it happened long before we hooked up. For the rest of you, I’ll try to be more vigilant in keeping you up with these things. I mean the exchanges with the Golden Web, not my sexual activities. Those two things haven’t intersected yet.
In honor of our recovering Dr. Crankpot, the propaganda department is screening the classic documentary: Technefarious: Triumphs Through The Decades. It will be shown in Auditorium A on Wednesday night. Friday night is the annual Barbeque Blowout, so bring your families for an evening of food and fun. I’ll be cooking the hot dogs.
Have a good week, everyone. Remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.
Your Leader,
Dr. Photius Callaway
The Killing Man