Primate Typings

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend to everyone.

This week we’re doing a test run on Pipewrench’s Dimension Projector. We’ve had to modify it from his original design. The destruction of his earlier build and my desire to wrap up this project means we’ve reduced the amount of automation needed to run the machine. However, that also means we’ll need more personnel to run the equipment. Throw in the assault and extraction teams I intend to bring along, and that calls for making a few shakedown flights before our attack.

I also want to take a moment to remind everyone that although this is Pipewrench’s project, I’m the one in charge. I would also like to remind Pipewrench that while I don’t arbitrarily kill my staff, I still find myself having to execute individual Technefarious employees on a regular basis.

Its overeager creator aside, the Dimension Projector is a slick piece of work. At its core is a Galaticguard Wrist Armory wired to the cutting from the Suncloud’s floating vine and enough Travel Apples to filled a garbage can. Flowing through that unnatural heart are arteries flowing with Cosmic Kinetic Fluid and Essence of the Southern Lights. It should have quite a kick when fired. I certainly wouldn’t want to be standing in front of it when it goes off. Once we have it in the air, we’re going to fire it on its lowest charge to see what happens.

We’ll also be testing the cloaking capabilities of the invisibility mist we collected. If it works against Technefarious sensors, it should hold up against those our target deploys.

For those of you not involved in Project Cut Flower, Frigid is going around this week collecting updates on the progress of some of our other projects. When we have this wrapped up, I have to make a decision on what we’re going to concentrate on next.

This week our propaganda department has decided to inflict culture on us. There will be a performance by some opera singers in Auditorium A on Wednesday if you’re interested. I’m not sure why they’re bothering. There hasn’t been a decent opera riot in ages.

Listen, nobody tell Green Needle about the opera singers, all right? She’d probably make me wear a tux.

In any event, I thought you all might like to know that another package arrived from our enemies at the Golden Web. It was an electronic pocket calculator from the 1970’s. It is still in its original packaging. Nine-volt battery sold separately. I’m going to have to consider our response.

Have a good week everyone. Remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I’m happy to announce that the soul catchers should be back online tomorrow. The first of the materials was gathered last Tuesday. It was a simple enough matter for the occult department to summon a demon. Negotiations for some of its ichor broke down quickly, so naturally we supervillains turned to violence to get what we wanted. Eleanor Flask kicked off the festivities by dashing holy water across the circle, burning our visitor and ruining the glyphs containing him. Frigid kept the demon off balance with an oversized snowball (seriously, Frigid, a snowball?). That made time for a taking-a-leave-from-his-leave Bleach to whitewash the monster, draining it of color and power. Having suitably weakened it, I immobilized the demon in solid stone by running it through with the Sword of Statues. One cordless drill and a beaker later, we had enough ichor to rebuild the soul catchers and pursue a few other side projects. Keeping an annoyed demon around qualifies a ludicrously dangerous, so I cut a deal with him before sending him back to hell. In exchange for not pursuing revenge against me or my people, I gave him the Void Cask. We will see how well that works.

Getting the fresh angel feathers took a bit longer to arrange. Oddly, the angels of good are often reluctant to meet with supervillians; I cannot imagine why. Despite my unsavory reputation, Marvela the Mystic Medium agreed to arrange a visitation for me with one of heaven’s lackeys. While I cannot recommend bargaining with demons, their divine counterparts are another matter as angels rarely try to exploit loopholes once a deal is struck. In return for a selection of her feathers, I gave the angel the soul of the hero Marble Crusader, a prize left over from my earliest experiments with soul catchers. While I am sure this will bite me in the ass in the long run, it was better than the alternative. Unlike the denizens of hell, the residents of heaven rarely betray one another by spilling each other’s blood, so attacking one angel tends to bring the rest of her host down on your head. Keep that in mind if you ever have to deal with one. 

Unfortunately while the soul catchers were down, a simple car crash took the life of Henchman 84E-9J (Robin) last week. Her maintenance work in the motor pool was essential to keeping our operations smoothly. Our condolences go out to her family.

Necro-Craze is visiting us this week to assist in rebuilding the soul catchers. While he is here, he has agreed to give a lecture on advanced Necrolife theory. Catch him in Auditorium A on Wednesday night. The annual fumigation of the biology labs will take place Thursday, so expect limited access to the northeast facility that day. I am sure this is unrelated to the fumigation, but the cafeteria menu lists Friday’s special as “Culinary Surprise.” I don’t know about you, but I think I will eat out. 

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader, 

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Well, we all found out what happened to the henchmen corpses I was keeping in the lobby, didn’t we? For those that missed it, a giant Frankenstein monster with too many heads and limbs interrupted the screening of Iron Boots. While the Duke growled about the American way and justice that looked a bit like revenge, the monster ripped its way through the auditorium, tossing chairs and henchmen aside as it plowed straight toward me. At the back of the auditorium, Dr. Philip Alexander of the science department ranted something about revenge against the world and taking my place as leader of our organization. Honestly, I cannot tell you exactly what he said, because I was not really paying attention to him. Although I do remember wondering why he thought killing me meant the Elite Triad would follow him. In any event, Dr. Alexander seemed to think my reputation for being able to kill anything did not extend to things that were already dead. He was wrong, and soon enough, he was dead.

He left a mess behind him though. In addition to the damage in Auditorium A, Dr. Alexander destroyed the occult department’s soul catchers, in order to keep them from raising me from the dead. Unfortunately, there was collateral damage to his attempt to kill me. Everyone, please take a moment of your day today to remember Henchman 22O-0D (Sean), who did not survive the rampage. He served our organization in Cafeteria B, keeping our villainy fed and ready to fight against heroes the world over. He will be missed.

While we will continue preparations for Operation Big Question, we will delay its execution while we repair the soul catchers. Most of the materials from the old ones can be recycled, but the demon ichor and the angel feathers have to be freshly gathered. Until then, we’ll just have to take the risks of living like the regular mortals we are. Except for Saber-Cat, of course. This does not affect his immortality one way or the other.

The medical division will be distributing flu shots this week. Please take the time to get one. The LEGO club is displaying the best of this quarter’s creations in Break Room C, so stop by and check their work out. Finally, a viewing party for the annual Dimensional Sky Rift is being held at the top of the southwest tower Wednesday night. The meteorologists are predicting clear skies, so we should have a spectacular view of the eruption. I hope to see you there.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man