Primate Typings

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Well, last week’s Operation Big Question certainly ended with mixed results. On the one hand, the real goal of the mission succeeded six times over. On the other hand, when it was done, we had to move our entire base of operations.

As I revealed at the final briefing to all teams involved, retrieving the stone eggs of Granquartz the Magnificent was a cover to prevent leaks of our true goal. Among the Parazlying Field Multiplier darts in every henchman’s ammo load were Teleport Retrieval Energy Needle darts capable of penetrating even Sediment’s rocky hide. After gathering a sample of the flesh of the target through its needle, the darts could teleport a short distance to a nearby Extraction team. Gathering biopsies from the Soil Six, in whose base Granquartz lives, was our real goal. I was hoping to get samples from two of the superheroes and would have been happy with just one. In the end, our crack Assualt and Extraction teams retrieved samples from all six of them, from Ground Shock to Compost. Bonus money will be awarded to all henchmen whose darts delivered the goods.

Our after-action analysis suggests that where things went wrong was in actually succeeding in our cover objective. Yes, Extraction Team Gamma with assistance from Assault Team Y managed to hold off Granquartz, Little Quartz, and Time Sand long enough to get away with one of the dragon’s stone eggs. At that point, we believe Granquartz tracked the egg back to our base while the Soil Six tagged along. From there, only ones in Technefarious that do not know what happened are those of us that had to be cloned back to life. Like the dragon she is a statue of, Granquartz tore through our defenses and smashed our buildings. Between being able to track her egg and the ease with which she wrecked our base, our occult and science departments are revising its theories on how the living dragon statue is put together. Once our real world location was revealed, Faultline of the Six got the ball rolling on siccing the Establishment on us, prompting our evacuation of the site after the Soil Six withdrew. We can field a pretty strong crew, but I’m not going to pretend we can stand up to the Establishment when they have time to assemble.

Despite the disruption of our infrastructure, we had only one permanent loss among our staff. Henchman 98B-3O (Carl) was eaten by Granquartz during the egg theft. Everyone else who got killed had their souls retrieved by the soul catchers, so the occult department speculates that it his was somehow trapped by the dragon statue. Research into how to retrieve his soul is underway. 

To give everyone a chance to settle into their new digs, there are no new special events scheduled for this week.
Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

If you had not heard, the ceremony to rebuild the soul catchers finished late last week. The reconstruction was successful but not without complications. Henchmen 41T-6Y (Roger) of the occult department did not have his personal wards as tight as they should have been during the work. When a Facet Wraith took the opportunity created by the ceremony to slip into our dimension, the monster drained the life from him faster than I could kill it. If anyone knows anything about his possible heirs, please contact human resources.

With the soul catchers back up, we have been deep in preparation for Operation Big Question, the next step of Project Jelly Doughnut. Our objective is to capture the stone dragon eggs of Granquartz the Magnificent. The living dragon statute Granquartz lives deep within the cliffside base of the Soil Six. An assault on their cliff-embedded dome should divert their attention from an attack through the earth by the drill sleds. Even with the distraction, units on the sleds should expect only a limited amount of time before the Six respond to their prong of the attack. In addition, Granquartz is unlikely to leave the eggs even during a fight, so the armory will distribute sonic weapons help keep her at bay. As always, unit leaders should keep interference from unanticipated superheroes in mind. Assault teams Z, X, and W will be assigned to the frontal assault, supported by Extraction team Alpha. Assaults teams Y and V will provide cover for extraction teams Beta, Gamma, and Delta as they recover the eggs. Extraction team Epsilon will be held in reserve. The motor pool and armory should have all equipment for the operation ready to go by Wednesday night. The medical and occult departments should be ready to deal with causalities once the operation gets underway this Thursday.

The relic department has announced that this weekend will see the kickoff of their latest show. The one will focus on the Renaissance, including several pieces on loan from the Grand Connoisseur’s Collection of Stolen Art. That means they will be taking down the trans-dimensional items displays late in the week, so if you have not checked out the Collapsed Echo Universe or the Cracked Man’s Deed to the Earth, you only have a couple more days before they go back into storage.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I’m happy to announce that the soul catchers should be back online tomorrow. The first of the materials was gathered last Tuesday. It was a simple enough matter for the occult department to summon a demon. Negotiations for some of its ichor broke down quickly, so naturally we supervillains turned to violence to get what we wanted. Eleanor Flask kicked off the festivities by dashing holy water across the circle, burning our visitor and ruining the glyphs containing him. Frigid kept the demon off balance with an oversized snowball (seriously, Frigid, a snowball?). That made time for a taking-a-leave-from-his-leave Bleach to whitewash the monster, draining it of color and power. Having suitably weakened it, I immobilized the demon in solid stone by running it through with the Sword of Statues. One cordless drill and a beaker later, we had enough ichor to rebuild the soul catchers and pursue a few other side projects. Keeping an annoyed demon around qualifies a ludicrously dangerous, so I cut a deal with him before sending him back to hell. In exchange for not pursuing revenge against me or my people, I gave him the Void Cask. We will see how well that works.

Getting the fresh angel feathers took a bit longer to arrange. Oddly, the angels of good are often reluctant to meet with supervillians; I cannot imagine why. Despite my unsavory reputation, Marvela the Mystic Medium agreed to arrange a visitation for me with one of heaven’s lackeys. While I cannot recommend bargaining with demons, their divine counterparts are another matter as angels rarely try to exploit loopholes once a deal is struck. In return for a selection of her feathers, I gave the angel the soul of the hero Marble Crusader, a prize left over from my earliest experiments with soul catchers. While I am sure this will bite me in the ass in the long run, it was better than the alternative. Unlike the denizens of hell, the residents of heaven rarely betray one another by spilling each other’s blood, so attacking one angel tends to bring the rest of her host down on your head. Keep that in mind if you ever have to deal with one. 

Unfortunately while the soul catchers were down, a simple car crash took the life of Henchman 84E-9J (Robin) last week. Her maintenance work in the motor pool was essential to keeping our operations smoothly. Our condolences go out to her family.

Necro-Craze is visiting us this week to assist in rebuilding the soul catchers. While he is here, he has agreed to give a lecture on advanced Necrolife theory. Catch him in Auditorium A on Wednesday night. The annual fumigation of the biology labs will take place Thursday, so expect limited access to the northeast facility that day. I am sure this is unrelated to the fumigation, but the cafeteria menu lists Friday’s special as “Culinary Surprise.” I don’t know about you, but I think I will eat out. 

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader, 

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Well, we all found out what happened to the henchmen corpses I was keeping in the lobby, didn’t we? For those that missed it, a giant Frankenstein monster with too many heads and limbs interrupted the screening of Iron Boots. While the Duke growled about the American way and justice that looked a bit like revenge, the monster ripped its way through the auditorium, tossing chairs and henchmen aside as it plowed straight toward me. At the back of the auditorium, Dr. Philip Alexander of the science department ranted something about revenge against the world and taking my place as leader of our organization. Honestly, I cannot tell you exactly what he said, because I was not really paying attention to him. Although I do remember wondering why he thought killing me meant the Elite Triad would follow him. In any event, Dr. Alexander seemed to think my reputation for being able to kill anything did not extend to things that were already dead. He was wrong, and soon enough, he was dead.

He left a mess behind him though. In addition to the damage in Auditorium A, Dr. Alexander destroyed the occult department’s soul catchers, in order to keep them from raising me from the dead. Unfortunately, there was collateral damage to his attempt to kill me. Everyone, please take a moment of your day today to remember Henchman 22O-0D (Sean), who did not survive the rampage. He served our organization in Cafeteria B, keeping our villainy fed and ready to fight against heroes the world over. He will be missed.

While we will continue preparations for Operation Big Question, we will delay its execution while we repair the soul catchers. Most of the materials from the old ones can be recycled, but the demon ichor and the angel feathers have to be freshly gathered. Until then, we’ll just have to take the risks of living like the regular mortals we are. Except for Saber-Cat, of course. This does not affect his immortality one way or the other.

The medical division will be distributing flu shots this week. Please take the time to get one. The LEGO club is displaying the best of this quarter’s creations in Break Room C, so stop by and check their work out. Finally, a viewing party for the annual Dimensional Sky Rift is being held at the top of the southwest tower Wednesday night. The meteorologists are predicting clear skies, so we should have a spectacular view of the eruption. I hope to see you there.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator: 

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I would like to take a moment to address some rumors making the rounds after last week’s visit from the Chlorophyll Cabal. This was not a preliminary to our two organizations consolidating. While I am personally fond of their leader Green Needle, the aims of our organizations are not entirely compatible. We, of course, intend to turn the world into an efficiently run technocracy with ourselves in charge. They intend to return the Earth to an ideal pastoral period that never actually existed. While Green Needle and I believe there will be a niche for the other once one of us conquers the world, what we seek will result in very different planets.

Nevertheless, any organization that turns down an opportunity to learn from its competition deserves to get beaten. At least, that was the reason Commander Bleach gave when he put in for leave to spend time serving with the Cabal. I suggested his request had more to do with all the time he spent with Cabal lieutenant Broad Leaf during the week. He assured me that he simply wanted to follow up on his interest in the strategic deployment of plant materials. I commented that described her (lack of an) outfit and pointed out he had to morals of an alley cat. He countered that we were all supervillains. Touché. Hopefully, he will return to us soon.

The occult department reports that they are not sure if we need to hold a memorial service for Henchman 68Y-9K (Sully). He was being shadowed by one of Plant Master’s Shamblers down in the science lab. Apparently, Shamblers have an unsuspected vulnerability to Lieber radiation. When briefly exposed to the backscatter from a demonstration on a rat of the green rage strain, the Shambler swelled up and exploded. Henchman 68Y-9K caught a clump of Shambler matter right in the face, and it immediately invaded him. By the time they got him to the medical department, his conditioned had stabilized, but he now behaves more like a zombie-like Shambler than a real person. The medical department has not been able to reverse his condition, and the occult department will not sign off on making a clone body because they cannot find his soul. It did not show up in their soul catchers after the attack, nor does it seem to be attached to his old body. Both departments will continue to work on the problem, but I have already authorized extending survivor benefits to his family to help with their loss. Sully’s squadmates will be having a few rounds in his honor at the Little Evil if anyone wants to join them tonight.

On a brighter note, we upheld our standing as the Inter-Evil Ping-Pong Champions by beating the Cabal five sets to two. Congratulations and cash prizes go to our entire team.

In other matters, if anyone has any information regarding the frozen henchmen corpses missing from the front lobby, please report it to your squad leader. I told security that no one will get in trouble for it, no matter how cranky they are that their cameras were tampered with. Were the bodies stolen to get a proper burial or for some darker purpose? Considering our crowd, I assume the latter, but I am genuinely curious.

Finally, the propaganda department is showing John Wayne movies in Auditorium A every evening this week, including his superhero epic, Iron Boots. Drop by and remember why we all became supervillains in the first place.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend, everyone. For anyone who missed the excitement, the weekend staff dealt with an incursion by the Elite Star Samurais. While causalities were relativity light, both medical bay and the cloning labs having been putting in extra hours to get everyone back on their feet. Hazard bonuses will be issued on your next paycheck if you were on duty during the battle, and overtime will be given to those who helped clean up afterwards. As always, those on sick leave while they recover will receive their full salary. 

The Star Samurais got in by hacking a teleport gate and left the same way. On the upside, the transportation staff says the heroes did not manage to extract our headquarters real-world location from the equipment, so we won’t have to relocate for the seventh time this year. On the downside, the enemy did manage to extract Prisoner 37 (Fusion Man) from the west bunker. Three days in captivity isn’t the shortest stay we’ve had for one of our guests, but we had hoped to extract more energy from him before he escaped or was rescued. His early departure has left us well short of the power requirements we need to implement Project Cut Flowers, but we shall persevere.

 Maintenance reports most of the cosmetic damage from the battle will be repaired by the end of the week, but green, blue, and red levels of the western bunker will require a month of construction to rebuild. I know it’s an inconvenience, but prison levels always take forever to complete. In a lot of ways, they’re worse than elaborate death traps. For henchmen employed on the affected floors in the western bunker, please contact your shift supervisors to find out your temporary assignment while the building is being repaired.

In sad news, Henchmen 89B-1A (Rob) was brought back to life by joint efforts of the clone lab and the occult department last night, but he has decided that he rather enjoyed being dead. If you want say anything to Rob before he goes, attend to it soon. His execution is scheduled for 3:00, the funeral at 4:00, and a memorial dinner will be served at 5:00. I hope to see everyone there.

Later in the week, the local Red Cross will be conducting C.P.R. certification classes for us. Their staff believe our cover that we’re a religious cult, so everyone remember to be a little too intense about spirituality. Refer any inquires about our religious observances to our “recruitments leaders” (anyone lieutenant rank or above).

In addition, the cafeteria would like you to know that menu for Tuesday has been changed to include jambalaya, the computer department is planning to release the beta of their Trojan horse/video game this week, and on Thursday the science department will update us on their latest advancements in time travel.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man