Primate Typings

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Does it still count as supervillainy if you accidentally save the world? Admittedly, we have saved the Earth before, because part of wanting to conquer the world means keeping anyone else from wrecking it. I delivered the killing blow to the Solar System Sweeper. Green Needle herbicided the Arboreal Flesh. Technefarious as a whole joined the Unholy Assembly and betrayed our fellow villains (some of whom were real jerks) by saving the superheroes (we needed their firepower).

This time we stumbled into it. Saber-Cat stopped by my office let me know he intended to attack a visiting group of aliens. I would like to say he was asking permission, but he actually wanted to use enough Technefarious resources that I would notice if they were missing. So, leaving me behind to mind the store, Saber lead a group consisting of more lieutenants than henchmen to confront the extra-terrestrials on Establishment territory.

On the interstellar level, Earth has the reputation like that of an island full of dangerous primitives: too crude to have anything worth trading and too tough to conquer outright. Nevertheless, the realities of galactic and extra dimensional geography make Earth too convenient a crossroads for us to be avoided entirely. Most aliens try to minimize their exposure, but it is no secret that the U.N. is keenly interested in making peaceful contact. To that end, the U.N. and the Establishment maintain the Extraterrestrial Monitoring Center, both to gather information on the aliens living among us and to try to forge diplomatic ties with the galactic empires that surround us.

It was one of those forging of ties that Saber-Cat wanted to crash. Saber is immortal and older than humankind, and he said that the Turperilliaks coming for a visit were actually the return of a aliens species that had claimed Earth as part of their empire for a couple of centuries before a nasty civil war on their core planets left the outlying Earth to drift back to its independent status. He also claimed that the aliens lead diplomat was Earth’s former governor during that long lost time. Keeping the Establishment from getting easy access to alien technology fits in with Technefarious’s goals, so I approved his requests for the operation and turned him loose.

It turns out that the lead diplomat really was the old governor in charge and that he led a fleet of cloaked spaceships bent on reconquering the Earth. The diplomacy was just a cover to let him scout the planet before trying to take it by force. The Establishment did not appreciate Saber-Cat’s interference but also did not ignore the lack of disclosure about the cloaked fleet when it was revealed. That kicked off a lesson for the Turperilliaks about why the rest of the universe considers us to be a planet full of dangerous primitives.

It took a week a half to drive them off. Not great, but not as bad as the thrity-seven days it took to get rid of the Graxic Empire in the 1980’s. Still, I prefer the invasions we can wrap up in an afternoon when we can get them.

Unfortunately, this sort of fight is rarely without casualties. Technefarious lost seven henchmen when they delivered a bomb to the mothership of the Turperilliak Home Fleet. The attack was part of the final strike on the Turperilliak ships still stationed in their core worlds. It will hopefully convince them to leave us alone in the future. Unfortunately, the distance involved put them far beyond the reach of our soul catchers. We already held their memorial service, but I wanted to commemorate them here as well. Do not forget the sacrifice of Henchmen 42S-9L (Ivan), 58A-4S (Alexandra), 89T-9C (Astra), 04M-3I (Moira), 63R-2E (Dan), 11U-0G (Chad), and 78G-4D (Stephen).

I am running long here, so check the bulletin boards for notes about this week’s activities.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – we are just sharing it other human governments for a bit.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

When I took over as leader of the Technefarious, I’d hope to reduce the frequent moves of our base of operations. Unfortunately, all I have seemed to be able to do is make our transfer to a backup base run more smoothly. Part of that is simply having the facilities already built and outfitted ahead of time. If our current base has to be shut down, we have three others ready to go tomorrow. I prefer to have four, but reconstructing the teleported rubble of our previous site takes a few weeks. Sure it is expensive, but if we can’t raise the dough, why would we think we could conquer the world?

The tracking tags we used to coordinate the transfer of everyone’s possessions will certainly be worth a bundle once teleportation technology goes commercial. GPS units going mainstream was a huge revenue boost for a least five supervillain organizations that I know of (and one superhero, the Golden Explorer, but Green Needle recently gained control of the majority shares of his company, so at least there’s that). Our procedure of inserting tags into our possessions so that our teleport systems can easily find and deposit them in tidy pile for unpacking is a sure moneymaker once the infrastructure exists to make it worth marketing. Sure, it creates an easy way to keep track of you and your stuff, but if you cannot trust your fellow supervillains, whom can you trust?

Speaking of which, if anyone is wondering what happened to Henchman 14T-6L (Maxwell) of the transportation department, I executed him using the improper misappropriation of tagged items from his fellow henchmen during the evacuation. It turns out you cannot trust your fellow supervillains. How about that?

The science department’s examination of the biopsies we recovered from the Soil Six last week is producing results. In addition to moving Project Jelly Doughnut forward, they are also turning out other interesting tidbits. For example, the Soil Six’s resident siblings, Little Quartz and Time Sand, had two different fathers. As far as I know, the fact that they are only half-siblings is not something generally known, not even to them. Our propaganda department is looking for ways to turn that information to our advantage.

To celebrate settling into our new facilities, we’ll be holding an international pizza party in the cafeteria. Come try freshly teleported pizza pies from 108 different pizzerias scattered across the globe.

Now you will have to excuse me, Saber-Cat needs to speak with me.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man