Primate Typings

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I’m happy to announce that the soul catchers should be back online tomorrow. The first of the materials was gathered last Tuesday. It was a simple enough matter for the occult department to summon a demon. Negotiations for some of its ichor broke down quickly, so naturally we supervillains turned to violence to get what we wanted. Eleanor Flask kicked off the festivities by dashing holy water across the circle, burning our visitor and ruining the glyphs containing him. Frigid kept the demon off balance with an oversized snowball (seriously, Frigid, a snowball?). That made time for a taking-a-leave-from-his-leave Bleach to whitewash the monster, draining it of color and power. Having suitably weakened it, I immobilized the demon in solid stone by running it through with the Sword of Statues. One cordless drill and a beaker later, we had enough ichor to rebuild the soul catchers and pursue a few other side projects. Keeping an annoyed demon around qualifies a ludicrously dangerous, so I cut a deal with him before sending him back to hell. In exchange for not pursuing revenge against me or my people, I gave him the Void Cask. We will see how well that works.

Getting the fresh angel feathers took a bit longer to arrange. Oddly, the angels of good are often reluctant to meet with supervillians; I cannot imagine why. Despite my unsavory reputation, Marvela the Mystic Medium agreed to arrange a visitation for me with one of heaven’s lackeys. While I cannot recommend bargaining with demons, their divine counterparts are another matter as angels rarely try to exploit loopholes once a deal is struck. In return for a selection of her feathers, I gave the angel the soul of the hero Marble Crusader, a prize left over from my earliest experiments with soul catchers. While I am sure this will bite me in the ass in the long run, it was better than the alternative. Unlike the denizens of hell, the residents of heaven rarely betray one another by spilling each other’s blood, so attacking one angel tends to bring the rest of her host down on your head. Keep that in mind if you ever have to deal with one. 

Unfortunately while the soul catchers were down, a simple car crash took the life of Henchman 84E-9J (Robin) last week. Her maintenance work in the motor pool was essential to keeping our operations smoothly. Our condolences go out to her family.

Necro-Craze is visiting us this week to assist in rebuilding the soul catchers. While he is here, he has agreed to give a lecture on advanced Necrolife theory. Catch him in Auditorium A on Wednesday night. The annual fumigation of the biology labs will take place Thursday, so expect limited access to the northeast facility that day. I am sure this is unrelated to the fumigation, but the cafeteria menu lists Friday’s special as “Culinary Surprise.” I don’t know about you, but I think I will eat out. 

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader, 

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Well, we all found out what happened to the henchmen corpses I was keeping in the lobby, didn’t we? For those that missed it, a giant Frankenstein monster with too many heads and limbs interrupted the screening of Iron Boots. While the Duke growled about the American way and justice that looked a bit like revenge, the monster ripped its way through the auditorium, tossing chairs and henchmen aside as it plowed straight toward me. At the back of the auditorium, Dr. Philip Alexander of the science department ranted something about revenge against the world and taking my place as leader of our organization. Honestly, I cannot tell you exactly what he said, because I was not really paying attention to him. Although I do remember wondering why he thought killing me meant the Elite Triad would follow him. In any event, Dr. Alexander seemed to think my reputation for being able to kill anything did not extend to things that were already dead. He was wrong, and soon enough, he was dead.

He left a mess behind him though. In addition to the damage in Auditorium A, Dr. Alexander destroyed the occult department’s soul catchers, in order to keep them from raising me from the dead. Unfortunately, there was collateral damage to his attempt to kill me. Everyone, please take a moment of your day today to remember Henchman 22O-0D (Sean), who did not survive the rampage. He served our organization in Cafeteria B, keeping our villainy fed and ready to fight against heroes the world over. He will be missed.

While we will continue preparations for Operation Big Question, we will delay its execution while we repair the soul catchers. Most of the materials from the old ones can be recycled, but the demon ichor and the angel feathers have to be freshly gathered. Until then, we’ll just have to take the risks of living like the regular mortals we are. Except for Saber-Cat, of course. This does not affect his immortality one way or the other.

The medical division will be distributing flu shots this week. Please take the time to get one. The LEGO club is displaying the best of this quarter’s creations in Break Room C, so stop by and check their work out. Finally, a viewing party for the annual Dimensional Sky Rift is being held at the top of the southwest tower Wednesday night. The meteorologists are predicting clear skies, so we should have a spectacular view of the eruption. I hope to see you there.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator: 

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I would like to take a moment to address some rumors making the rounds after last week’s visit from the Chlorophyll Cabal. This was not a preliminary to our two organizations consolidating. While I am personally fond of their leader Green Needle, the aims of our organizations are not entirely compatible. We, of course, intend to turn the world into an efficiently run technocracy with ourselves in charge. They intend to return the Earth to an ideal pastoral period that never actually existed. While Green Needle and I believe there will be a niche for the other once one of us conquers the world, what we seek will result in very different planets.

Nevertheless, any organization that turns down an opportunity to learn from its competition deserves to get beaten. At least, that was the reason Commander Bleach gave when he put in for leave to spend time serving with the Cabal. I suggested his request had more to do with all the time he spent with Cabal lieutenant Broad Leaf during the week. He assured me that he simply wanted to follow up on his interest in the strategic deployment of plant materials. I commented that described her (lack of an) outfit and pointed out he had to morals of an alley cat. He countered that we were all supervillains. Touché. Hopefully, he will return to us soon.

The occult department reports that they are not sure if we need to hold a memorial service for Henchman 68Y-9K (Sully). He was being shadowed by one of Plant Master’s Shamblers down in the science lab. Apparently, Shamblers have an unsuspected vulnerability to Lieber radiation. When briefly exposed to the backscatter from a demonstration on a rat of the green rage strain, the Shambler swelled up and exploded. Henchman 68Y-9K caught a clump of Shambler matter right in the face, and it immediately invaded him. By the time they got him to the medical department, his conditioned had stabilized, but he now behaves more like a zombie-like Shambler than a real person. The medical department has not been able to reverse his condition, and the occult department will not sign off on making a clone body because they cannot find his soul. It did not show up in their soul catchers after the attack, nor does it seem to be attached to his old body. Both departments will continue to work on the problem, but I have already authorized extending survivor benefits to his family to help with their loss. Sully’s squadmates will be having a few rounds in his honor at the Little Evil if anyone wants to join them tonight.

On a brighter note, we upheld our standing as the Inter-Evil Ping-Pong Champions by beating the Cabal five sets to two. Congratulations and cash prizes go to our entire team.

In other matters, if anyone has any information regarding the frozen henchmen corpses missing from the front lobby, please report it to your squad leader. I told security that no one will get in trouble for it, no matter how cranky they are that their cameras were tampered with. Were the bodies stolen to get a proper burial or for some darker purpose? Considering our crowd, I assume the latter, but I am genuinely curious.

Finally, the propaganda department is showing John Wayne movies in Auditorium A every evening this week, including his superhero epic, Iron Boots. Drop by and remember why we all became supervillains in the first place.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

First, I’d like to congratulate everyone for the success of Operation Prairie Dog. The crystals we stole from the Magicforge Gnomes will go a long way in moving forward Project Jelly Doughnut. A special note of recognition goes to Extraction Team Delta for rescuing two members of Science Team A from the clutches of the superheroes Sunshine and Snowstorm. The heroes’ appearance was an unexpected variable in the operation; Sunshine and Snowstorm do not even follow the same the theme as the Gnomes. Nevertheless, Delta overcame the odds and kept their fellow henchmen from a stint in the Magicforge dungeons.

Despite the success, there were some disciplinary problems during a heist that I feel the need to address. I would like to remind everyone that we are a criminal enterprise dedicated Grand Gesture school of crime. Every person who dies during one of our operations is one less we will rule over once we seize power. Now, it would exceptionally hypocritical of me to say murder is never appropriate, but there is a difference between killing people and committing atrocities. If you lack the temperament to maintain the discipline this requires, our exit interviews involve a strictly minimal amount of memory wipes. The corpses of the six henchmen I had to discipline will be on display in cryogenic units in the front lobby for the rest of the week.

The injunction against casual killing does not apply to superheroes, of course. They come back from the dead more often than Dracula. So, if you see someone wearing a costume and they are not on our side, shoot to kill.

The Chlorophyll Cabal is visiting us this week to observe our operation, so strange costumes in the hallway this week should not be an immediate cause for alarm. If your food tastes funny at meals, it is because it has been spiced with an anti-hypnotic that can counter the mesmerizing powers of some of the Cabal’s members. As I pointed out to their leader Green Needle, it is not that we do not trust her people; it is just that supervillains are notorious for suffering from poor impulse control. Better, I think, to be safe rather than sorry. If you start to experience any strange effects from the additives or from proximity to Cabal members, please consult our medical staff.

The list of shared events and guest lectures with visiting Cabal members is posted on bulletin boards throughout the complex.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone. Maintenance tells me there are still several velociraptors running around the building after the science department’s time travel fiasco. The biology department says they have all of the critters they can use, so if you see any of the chicken-sized carnivores running around, feel free to use them for target practice. Yes, velociraptors are actually chicken-sized. I would say we should run an operation to teach the idiots in charge of the Jurassic Park movies a couple of things, but the Rabid Dinoman already took care of that.

This is a good time to remind everyone to keep their paradox implants properly charged. Henchmen 76D-6W (Susan) and 34F-8C (Reggie) have not been seen since the explosion at the time travel demonstration. Yes, the implants do allow us to track you, but letting a super-criminal organization know every detail of your movements is not worse than getting wiped out of existence by a time shift. Usually.

Operation Prairie Dog will be implemented on Friday. Nevertheless, I expect we will have it wrapped up in time for everyone to enjoy their weekend. The motor pool should ensure all available drill sleds are operational by the end of Thursday. On Friday morning, the assigned assault teams will assemble in the southeast garage accompanied by science unit A. Extraction teams Beta, Delta, and Epsilon will take their positions at teleport rooms 16, 18, and 19, while Gamma will launch from the flight hanger as the airborne backup. The medical and occult departments should be ready to deal with casualties. 

Before that, we can look forward a week of evening cooking classes taught by Celebrity Chef Rouel. Maintaining cover during the lessons will not be necessary, as the science department will have Rouel under their mind control. He believes he is vacationing in the Bahamas. He may not be getting much rest, but I can say he will return to his regular life relaxed and with a camera full of computer-manipulated vacation pictures.

Next week we’ll be playing host to a delegation from the Chlorophyll Cabal, so expect to see vegetable people shadowing henchmen in your department. Remember everyone: plants are people too.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet. 

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend, everyone. For anyone who missed the excitement, the weekend staff dealt with an incursion by the Elite Star Samurais. While causalities were relativity light, both medical bay and the cloning labs having been putting in extra hours to get everyone back on their feet. Hazard bonuses will be issued on your next paycheck if you were on duty during the battle, and overtime will be given to those who helped clean up afterwards. As always, those on sick leave while they recover will receive their full salary. 

The Star Samurais got in by hacking a teleport gate and left the same way. On the upside, the transportation staff says the heroes did not manage to extract our headquarters real-world location from the equipment, so we won’t have to relocate for the seventh time this year. On the downside, the enemy did manage to extract Prisoner 37 (Fusion Man) from the west bunker. Three days in captivity isn’t the shortest stay we’ve had for one of our guests, but we had hoped to extract more energy from him before he escaped or was rescued. His early departure has left us well short of the power requirements we need to implement Project Cut Flowers, but we shall persevere.

 Maintenance reports most of the cosmetic damage from the battle will be repaired by the end of the week, but green, blue, and red levels of the western bunker will require a month of construction to rebuild. I know it’s an inconvenience, but prison levels always take forever to complete. In a lot of ways, they’re worse than elaborate death traps. For henchmen employed on the affected floors in the western bunker, please contact your shift supervisors to find out your temporary assignment while the building is being repaired.

In sad news, Henchmen 89B-1A (Rob) was brought back to life by joint efforts of the clone lab and the occult department last night, but he has decided that he rather enjoyed being dead. If you want say anything to Rob before he goes, attend to it soon. His execution is scheduled for 3:00, the funeral at 4:00, and a memorial dinner will be served at 5:00. I hope to see everyone there.

Later in the week, the local Red Cross will be conducting C.P.R. certification classes for us. Their staff believe our cover that we’re a religious cult, so everyone remember to be a little too intense about spirituality. Refer any inquires about our religious observances to our “recruitments leaders” (anyone lieutenant rank or above).

In addition, the cafeteria would like you to know that menu for Tuesday has been changed to include jambalaya, the computer department is planning to release the beta of their Trojan horse/video game this week, and on Thursday the science department will update us on their latest advancements in time travel.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man